The Fabricators in Love And The Higher Realm – Part 3

– The Saga Continues –

Covid 19 and A Developing Love In Midst Of World Chaos

How desperate must one be to give up everything and start over and fresh at the age of 60 years?

How long can anyone deal with coldness and neglect in a relationship that was once love?

How do you deal with when you realize years ago, it is only a charade and facade but your significant other has no clue?

Should I stay or should I go?

All of the sudden I was in love – at 60. I fell into a deep kind of love that I have never felt before with anyone. It is beautiful and exciting, as well as invigorating and refreshing.

All of the sudden there is someone who cares, who hangs on your lips and listens to every word you say; someone who takes a real interest in everything you do and say and someone who looks out for you in every way – genuinely.

You ask yourself: How did you deserve to find this kind of love?

Maybe it is not of this world.And it is not your better or worse half, but someone you have never met in person.

Let me back up a bit. Today is a very strange day. If I thought things would be peaceful, I was wrong.

After all, my soon to be ex-husband declared a complete understanding for the reasons of me breaking up my marriage weeks ago. The fact that I am in love with someone else is not even the factor for it, because if my marriage was alright, I would have never fallen for anyone else. My eyes would not have wandered and my ears would have not listened for the sweet whisper of my woodworking witch.

This is not the usual love relationship, because right now it only exists on the higher realm and on face time, since we are still 8000 miles apart. But it is the kind of love, that is forever, that survives the craziness of anything and that is glued together for all eternity.

I had my moments of Glory and Fame and cannot deny, that my now husband has a little to do with that. People will not understand that I am giving up producing at my own Record Label and with my own personal producer, that I waited years on to learn the job.

I could have gone to other labels, but it was not only about the producing, instead I was trying to give the man I was married to a feeling of self worth and pride, but he did not get that one at all. He did not see, that I sacrificed years waiting for him to get it together, when my career could have rocketed somewhere else.

When he finally did get it together, I was the one realizing how unhappy I had become over the years.

I was lonely in a marriage and dying on the inside. Sure, I tried to talk to him about it, but was put off with rude remarks like: “Quit your whining, get a hobby so you have something to do” or the really good one “Call someone who gives a shit.”

I stopped talking a few years ago and just embedded myself into what I thought was my destiny.

I had and still have my rescue animals and they did and still do make me very happy, but on a different level.

I was still dying. My husband was happily talking to his exes in a very friendly manner in a tone of voice, that I did not hear in his voice for years when he was talking to me. You could say, he was beasty, bossy and being a total asshole at all times.

Did I feel close to him anymore? Hell no, I started to isolate myself and did what I always had to do: work to earn the money for the family, take care of the big ass garden, since he was not able (so he said) and became an emotional corpse.

Sex was not on the agenda mainly, because I have to be in love to give myself to someone and I have not been in love with that man for a very long time, but did not really realize that until Covid 19 happened and Thailand was under lockdown.

I have been in self-quarantine since January and been going out only with permission and when I had to.

I don’t do well locked up and had to go into my garden a lot not to feel like a prisoner. At least I could do that and thought of everyone that was stuck in one room apartments.

Then there was the sexual fantasy of one of my husbands exes and she freely shared it with him; like what she would like to do to him. He did not really participate in that but he did not stop her either and asked me after I complained with what right I deserve her respect as his wife? (I explained that in the last blog)

I was furious and angry and lost my temper right there, which was nothing nice.

In the meantime something started to blossom that kind of crept up like a tender reed, very shyly, but persistent in the midst of all that ugliness and craziness my marriage and the world had to offer.

Today’s sixty is the new forty and I never thought about age, when I broke it off with my husband, but I thought of feeling free, finding happiness and love and breathing a hell a lot easier again.

So here I am now – stripped of all pretending, going through hell, because I miss my woodworking witch so badly and want to go home to be with him forever, enduring the bullshit my still husband is giving me on a daily base and saying goodbye to my past.

It was a good past at times with glorious moments and I have fond memories of many things, especially where my music is concerned, but I am breaking free from a prison and a make believe world, in which I would have suffocated sooner or later, because my soul was already dead and I did not know it.

I pray to the father, the son and the holy ghost, as well as the Gods and Goddesses of all other traditions to release me soon from this prison and hell and give me the opportunity to be their vessel along with my sweet woodworking witch, who also is a God fearing man, with different beliefs.

We are one in our thinking, our feelings, our everyday lives and the way we do things. We spend at least twelve hours per day together in face time and it almost is as if we are already living together with only one difference – which is 8000 miles between us.

Can a digital love survive? You bet it can and I will keep you updated on how our story continues. Right now it is what it is, but these big emotions and this wonderful love between us is not of this world and what Gods have put together, no man shall ever destroy. It is beautiful and we both are so deeply in love with each other like neither of us have ever been.There will be a day soon, where we will be together forever.

Namaste from Thailand, my dear ones …

And How Was Your Day?

And How Was your Day?

I could not really sleep, because I was nervous, excited and felt whatever is normal to feel when you enter a new stage in your life.

My first thought was to have a cup of coffee and as I tumbled out of the bedroom, my 11 dogs and 9 cats looked at me a little disillusioned because it was way too early to get up in their opinion.

Have you ever seen a dog raise its eyebrows at you with that kind of look that states: Are you out of your tree? I got that look 11 times, while my mini chihuahua was not sure if she should keep wagging her tail with speed lightning or just go back to sleep on my pillow. (I gave up fighting her for my pillow long ago … she wins all the time anyway and it does not matter how many pillows I put out there, she will choose the one that I want to lay on every time.)

So as I am fighting my way through the cats and dogs still half asleep and just wishing desperately for a cup of coffee, I passed a mirror and glanced automatically at it.

Holy cow, what happened to my hair?

I keep it short but THAT looked like my hand was stuck in an electrical socket all night long.

Oh, it dawned on me.

While I was passed out my other mini chihuahua played hairdresser again. He loves to just chew and dig in my hair gently, while I am trying to sleep.

With my eyes still half closed and no contact lenses or glasses nearby, I guessed my way into the direction of the kitchen hoping to turn on the coffee maker that I set before going to bed….or did I?

I finally made it halfway through our king-sized hallway and peeked at the huge glass sliding door just to see a pair of big rabbit ears belonging to Bebe, my black and white big, bad boy rabbit. I had to separate him from his brother a while back because he was constantly trying to mutilate him and I know he did not like being alone.

There are 3 rabbits outside in big cages and if one gets out, it is usually Taz – the brown one.

Oh well, coffee had to wait.

It was too early for any of the animals to be outside because during the rainy season in Thailand the centipedes, scorpions and snakes are out and we have lost animals to their unmerciful stings and bites in the past.

To catch a rabbit that is tame and hand raised should be an easy task I thought – BUT – I did not count on Bebe enjoying his freedom so much.

We have a huge yard with all kind of tropical palm plants, bushes, fruit trees, lots of grass, etc. for the animals and Bebe was not thinking for a second about going back to the safety of his cage.

Let the games begin: No coffee, no glasses or contact lenses and me running after a rabbit that has just discovered a 380 m2 garden with everything in it that his little rabbit heart could possibly desire.

I do have a run for the rabbits, where they get to enjoy a little freedom regularly, but it is nothing like that real freedom Bebe just discovered.

Out of breath and sweating like a hog, because the heat already settled in with unmerciful sunlight, I decided to let him be for a minute and turn on the coffee maker.

While turning on my computer and doing my usual checking emails and work times for the day, the time passed and knowing it takes exactly 11 minutes for the coffee to be done, I was listening for the gurgling noises the coffee maker usually makes to signal that the coffee is almost done.

No noises…hmmm…I decided to go check on it.

Well Dummy me, I forgot to put down the lid – so I did and turned it on again. (this is one of those modern machines that does not brew or turn on with the lid left open.)

By now I was really desperate for a freakin’ cup of coffee and checked the thermos. Oh good – there was a little left from last night. I hate cold coffee but at this point I was desperate. After all, I still needed to catch Bebe.

So inhaling the small sip of cold coffee that was left in the thermos I felt a little more awake.

Next, try to catch Bebe – so I thought. That rabbit knew what I was up too, and still was not thinking about getting anywhere near me or his cage.

I will walk for miles and miles, but I refuse to run and so I figured a few more minutes for Bebe to enjoy the garden can’t hurt, especially since he had found a nice, juicy patch of grass beneath the gooseberry tree.

By now I was really looking forward to that freshly brewed, nice, hot and delicious cup of coffee.

Entering my kitchen there was still no smell of coffee nor anything sounding remotely like a coffeemaker signaling that fresh coffee is almost available.

So I looked at my coffee maker, that I thought was on, but nothing was happening. The clock showed no mercy either and it was 9:15 am by now.

I still needed to catch Bebe, still had no coffee other than that poor excuse of what once was a delicious liquid the evening before and I still looked like I had been in a major, disastrous storm and started to get a little upset. Then I did a little more investigating – Dummy me… I neither poured water in my coffee maker nor did I add the coffee.

So it was not the coffee maker’s fault at all that it did not brew.

I thought that machine was on a personal vendetta against me and wanted to taunt me for the day.

I poured the water in, put the coffee in the filter, double checked, pushed the on-button and all was well – yet I still needed to catch Bebe.

I took a foldable cage run, which comes apart that we use for the water turtles to stay in when cleaning their pool and pulled it apart to build a fence around his cage and the area where the turtles are – since Bebe was hiding there and did not think I saw him. Now he was ready to go back to his cage and sweetly looked at me as if to say thank you for my little adventure and happily went into his cage on his own.

THAT was a relief.

I folded the run back up and really was looking forward to that nice, fresh cup of coffee. So I went into the kitchen with the happy thought of that coffee and by now it was 9:45 am – 15 minutes away to be brain picked about my abilities as a teacher and to discuss my contract that was already on the virtual table.

COFFEE NOW PLEASE !!!!

I had thrown some water on my hair to tame this ridiculous look that would have scared any interviewer half to death and finally looked civil.

Bebe was safe again and I found my glasses too and was ready to rumble.

I got this – all I needed was a cup of coffee and I don’t think that was asked too much. By now the time is 9:48 am, 12 minutes away from the interview.

I happily had my cup ready to pour this most deserved and fresh, delicious cup of coffee – but – there was none.

I must have looked really stupid and made a gesture of some kind because my big boy dog Loki looked at me like I was off my rocker and went hiding under my desk.

What and where was the problem and why on earth could I not get a damned cup of coffee this morning? Electricity was on, so there was no reason for that stupid thing called coffee maker not to work.

Oh yes, there was !!!!! I forgot to plug it in, Dummy me.

I had exactly 11 minutes and 32 seconds left before I had to be at my virtual interview and quickly plugged the machine in and turned it on.

I raced to my computer, opened the virtual classroom to pull up the material and at 9:59 am I heard the sound I was so desperately waiting for – the gurgling of the coffeemaker. That was the most beautiful sound and smell all morning long and I had exactly 21 seconds left to get that cup of coffee.

I did and while I am taking that first, most desired sip of it, my interviewer appeared – with a cup of coffee in her hand as well.

I took another sip and now was ready.

Of course, I passed with flying colors and could now go over to the rest of the day’s happenings, which were peaceful and nothing out of the ordinary.

And how was your day?

Life’s Stories by Claudia Ulm – The Whispering Witch